


all about holos

by starsomething



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Ensemble Cast, Gen, Humor, Worldbuilding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:40:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27563929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsomething/pseuds/starsomething
Summary: “You picked this holofilm why, exactly?” Ahsoka asks skeptically. “They’ve already gotten, like, everything about the Order wrong.”or5 holofilms the Jedi watched (and 1 they didn't)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 134





	all about holos

**Author's Note:**

> i think a lot about the worldbuilding in the star wars prequels and i feel like there would absolutely be a ton of movies about the jedi. some of them are even almost good! some of them... are not.

_12_ _INT. FACTORY - MOOGA - NIGHT_

_DARTH VIRDUS red-eyed and furious, and JEDI MASTER DHEN, physically exhausted but calm, face one another from opposite ends of the destroyed factory. DARTH VIRDUS raises his saber to an aggressive offensive position. MASTER DHEN stands in a ready guard._

_DARTH VIRDUS_

_You’ll never stop me, Jedi! You will perish at my hand._

_MASTER DHEN_

_The dark will never triumph over the light, Darth. The light_ will _prevail._

_DARTH VIRDUS_

_We’ll see about that!_

“—Should know better!” Battlemaster Cin Drallig is yelling at a pair of ashamed knights. There is a 10 foot long lightsaber scar along the floor of the salle, smoking slightly. Knight Besk-vel-Kam is nursing a broken wrist, and Knight Gromk hunches over miserably on the floor, possibly with cracked ribs.

They mumble apologies. Master Drallig relents and sends them off towards the Halls of Healing, releasing them on the grounds that Vokara Che will be giving them an equally strong-worded lecture. He turns.

“Oh dear,” Obi-Wan says delicately, as Master Cin Drallig spots him and Plo Koon.

“Master Kenobi,” Master Drallig greets venomously. “Master Koon. I believe I said that I _wanted that holo banned.”_

“Another attempt at replicating _Dark Days_?” Plo Koon asks, clearly amused.

“ _Dark Days_ will be the thing that turns _me_ dark.” Master Drallig grouches. “Do you know how many incident reports I’ve had to file out since that holofilm came out? Six. _Six!_ It’s only been out two ten-days!”

“I understand Master Tvaa’s padawan class reported the saber combat scene to be excellent.” Obi-Wan replies.

Master Drallig snorts. “Excellent, you say? Hardly. They scored it an eight of ten for saber combat, sure enough, but on accurate use of the Force? They gave it a _two._ And now I have hundreds of starry-eyes padawans trying to fight as if they were holofilm Jedi. Padawan Lininnik tried to catapult herself across the room with the Force. Padawan Mkn will be in the Halls for another _week_ after they tried to walk upside down on the ceiling.”

Obi-Wan and Plo Koon obligingly look at the ceiling as Master Drallig points accusingly.

“...Was Padawan Lininnik successful?”

“A little too successful, actually. She didn’t have the control for it. See that dent?”

They all wince.

“And now I even have _Knights_ trying it. You _must_ put a stop to this before the madness spreads.”

“We shall review your request tomorrow in session, Master Drallig.” Plo Koon tells him, and the Battlemaster grunts.

“You’d better.” He stomps off.

“I see Master Drallig is unaware that we already decided not to ban _Dark Days_.”

“He’s submitted eight additional requests to the Council since, we’ll have a mutiny on our hands if we don’t pass it.” Obi-Wan protests. “Just because you enjoyed the holo doesn’t mean you should continue to torture our Battlemaster.”

“I am simply encouraging creativity among the younger generation, Master Kenobi.” Plo Koon pauses. “And I seem to recall a very young padawan who once attempted to hold a lightsaber spar right out of _Farn’s Edge_ on the waterfalls in the Room of a Thousand Fountains…”

“Yes, yes.” Obi-Wan said hastily. “No need to go bringing up old memories. Shall we spar?”

* * *

ACCURACY IN “JEDI” HOLOFILMS

Report by

PADAWAN OSKII JERIN

PADAWAN ZVO’O LE

Report prepared for

HISTORY OF THE REPUBLIC: RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN THE JEDI ORDER AND THE PUBLIC FROM THE YEARS OF 7900 C.R.C. — PRESENT (HOTREP 916)

Instructor

MASTER KOL TVAA

ABSTRACT

During the last 60 years (C.R.C.), there have been many films featuring the Jedi and the Jedi Order. These films varied wildly in accuracy. This study, directed by Padawan Jerin and Padawan Le, attempts first to quantize the accuracy, and then to find correlating factors contributing to each film’s accuracy.

METHOD

In order to find which holofilms were the most accurate, the following matrix was created and filled for each film viewed:

Holofilm Name:

Holofilm Date:

Category

| 

Weight

| 

Raw Score

| 

Weighted Score  
  
---|---|---|---  
  
Usage of the Force

| 

0.8

|  |   
  
Structure of the Jedi Order

| 

0.6

|  |   
  
Temple Life (clothing, food, leisure activities)

| 

0.4

|  |   
  
Lightsaber Combat

| 

0.8

|  |   
  
Following The Code

| 

1.0

|  |   
  
Master-Padawan Relationships

| 

0.6

|  |   
  
Interactions with the Public

| 

0.8

|  |   
  
Each category was given a weight out of 1.0. For each holofilm, two padawans would individually watch and score the holofilm. The top 10% of holofilms (24 of 238 holofilms studied) were rewatched and discussed in further detail in large groups in order to determine an accurate ranking for the most accurate holofilms.

Here are some considerations we had when we scored each holofilm:

  * Usage of the Force: holofilms suffer a plague of incorrect Force usage - no communing with the dead, no lifting of entire buildings, and NO FLYING.
  * Structure of the Jedi Order: do Jedi report to the High Council? Do Jedi Knights report directly to the Senate? If the High Council has been replaced by the Senate, disqualify the holo. 
  * Temple Life (clothing, food, leisure activities): is the food in the refectory sufficiently bad? Are the Jedi wearing robes? Do Jedi have hobbies, or do they just meditate?
  * Lightsaber Combat: Did they use proper forms? Is there a lot of dramatic pausing?
  * Following The Code: As Jedi, we are not allowed to be married/partnered/have a torrid love affair with a Sith Lord/heiress/slave/holoreporter/humble shopkeeper/etc.
  * Master-Padawan Relationships: if it is romantic, reject holofilm. Ew.
  * Interactions with the Public: are Jedi asked to save someone’s pet tooka every time they are spotted outside of the Temple? Or are they feared as “wizards”? Note that this varies from planet to planet. 



By using this metric, the surprising result is that _Lights(abers) Out_ , a 7952 C.R.C. buddy-Knight partner comedy holofilm is in fact the most accurate holo of all surveyed. Following Jedi Master Tichundk and newly-knighted Jedi Knight Yovv, _Lights(abers) Out_ is in fact true to its name, being the only film in which Jedi carried their lightsabers, but never used them (which gave the holofilm an automatic 10/10 in the Lightsaber Combat metric). Despite being a low-budget endeavour, the holofilm also correctly identifies a) the difficulty of putting on one’s robes in a crisis, b) Taungsday as “mystery meat day” in the refectory, c) the absurd trek from Hangar Bay 12 to the nearest refresher, d) getting chewed out by the High Council during a mission report, and e) the complete absence of Hosnian dry noodles anywhere near the Temple...

INSTRUCTOR NOTES:

While your report was somewhat colloquial, your research is commendable. I am impressed with your dedication to holofilms, though I must admit that I still believe your project to be a thinly-veiled reason to allow an entire class of padawans to stay up late at night watching holofilms as “coursework.” While your score was reduced for the paper itself, I strongly suspect that this project will be the most talked about project this course has produced so far.

* * *

“Master Windu.” Chancellor Valorum greets pleasantly. “I thank you and your fellow Jedi for attending tonight’s premiere.”

“Chancellor _Valorum_.” Mace Windu forces out from between gritted teeth. “Don’t act like you didn’t twist my arm to get me here, you conniving—”

“The Jedi Order is pleased to be here, and thanks you for your kind invitation.” Depa nods to Valorum, and ushers her former Master off the ceremonial green carpet. “Master, could you act like you want to be here even just a little?”

“A Jedi should be honest.” Mace says stubbornly. He is being very honest about the fact that he has been dragged to this unbelievably pointless event. He is the Master of the Order. He has more important things to do than attending a _movie premiere_ for the sake of public image and whatever careful political maneuvers there are to the making of a dramatic retelling of the Stark Hyperspace War.

“A Jedi should act pleased to be here where Adi Gallia can see him.” Plo Koon says as he drifts serenely by.

This is very true. Adi somehow manages to glare at him from across the room even while smiling with the Pantoran Senator. Mace makes a strategic decision to stop frowning.

“What I don’t understand,” he complains quietly, “is why this holo couldn't come out _after_ I joined the Force.”

Depa snorts. “Wishful thinking, Master. You—”

“Master Windu!”

“Oh, it’s Miro Ls’it.” Mace says dully. “Hello, Miro.”

“Master Windu!” Miro, who played Mace himself in the holopic, has been a thorn in his side from the moment this debacle had started. Holopic actors don’t seem to understand that he couldn’t care less about “getting a feel for the character” or “seeing who the _real_ Master Windu is” when he has an entire Jedi Order to run. And unfortunately, Adi had seen right through his suggestion of method acting as an excuse to kick Miro around the salles. She’d put an end to that before he could even try.

“How are you! I haven’t seen you since pre-production. I sure hope you enjoy the holopic, I worked really hard on faithful character portrayal.” Miro chatters away.

This holopic was a mistake, Mace thinks as he nods along dutifully. Why is it that a single holopic that he is barely even involved with can feel more taxing than the most tedious of diplomatic missions? Why had he _agreed_ to even being remotely part of it? It would have been difficult to write his likeness out of the plot, but holopic writers wrote more fantastical stories on the daily. They could have replaced his character. Historical accuracy, Mace decides, is vastly overrated. Especially when he is part of the narrative.

“Master?” Depa asks, clearly not for the first time.

“What?” Mace just barely avoids snapping.

“Miro asked if you’re excited for the screening.”

“I can hardly wait. If you’ll excuse us.”

“I’ll see you at the after party!” Miro calls.

“Not if I can help it.” He mutters. While he is being made to mingle, he can at the very least have a drink. He surveilles the room. Present from the Jedi Order are: Plo Koon, speaking with the Kel Dor Senator; Quinlan Vos, flirting with anything breathing; Yoda, crossing the room and playing up his age by pretending he actually needs his cane; Saesee Tiin and Eeth Koth in a serious discussion with Senator Bel Iblis; and finally, the stars-forsaken mastermind of this horrible scheme herself, Adi Gallia, now in smug conversation with the Chancellor.

“It wasn’t even her idea.” Depa protests, and he realizes that he is narrating aloud.

“This holofilm may not have been her idea, but don’t think for a second us attending the premier isn’t. This is absolutely one of her ideas about improving public image.” He says sourly. “I’ll just bet Qui-Gon Jinn is laughing himself sick right now. How is it that he and Kenobi managed to get out of this?”

“The moment Jinn heard ‘holopic,’ he and Kenobi booked it off planet. I don’t think he plans on coming back until this is all over with.”

“They’ve been on the run with the duchess of Mandalore for eight months now.” Mace says incredulously. “How long do they think they can drag their mission out?”

“Have you actually met Master Jinn?” Depa shrugged. “As long as it takes.”

“Why are you even here, anyways?” Mace asks Depa. “You weren’t part of the war.”

“Oh, that’s easy.” Depa raises a brow. “It’s the role of the Padawan to support their Master in all things.”

“You’ve been Knighted for years.” Mace points out.

“It’s also the role of the Padawan to laugh at their Master whenever possible.”

“Padawans are a mistake.”

“Look, it can’t be all that bad.” Depa says. “It’s a dramatization of a historic event made to make Chancellor Valorum look good for his upcoming re-election. By extension, it’s propaganda made to make _us_ look good. So just suck it up for another few hours so Master Gallia doesn’t have a conniption, and then we can go and I’ll go thrash you in the salles for a while. Really, it can hardly be the _worst_ Jedi movie ever made.”

* * *

 _1_ _EXT. JEDI TEMPLE - CORUSCANT - DAWN_

_The sun rises over Coruscant. Camera pans down to the Jedi Temple and zooms through the window of JEDI MASTER TONK MAGARR, who has just woken up and is doing his morning press-ups._

_MASTER MAGARR_

_...four hundred and fifty eight, four hundred and fifty nine…_

_MASTER MAGARR finishes his exercises and walks to the fresher. Close-up on the claw scar down his shoulder, which the makeup team added to almost successfully cover up Actor Kant Jarro’s FREE GALAXY, FREE LOVE tattoo. MASTER MAGARR gets into the steaming shower and lets out a manly grunt._

_MASTER MAGARR (voiceover)_

_Nothing like some hot water to get you going in the morning. If I weren’t a Jedi, I could drink some caff. Kark this Order and its stuffy rules._

_Cut to MASTER MAGARR eating at his kitchen table. For a modest apartment in the Jedi Temple, it looks an awful lot like an enormous luxury suite in the Federal District. The view is fantastic._

“You picked this holofilm why, exactly?” Ahsoka asks skeptically. “They’ve already gotten, like, everything about the Order wrong.”

“Listen, Snips, a Jedi makes their choices according to the will of the Force.” Anakin replies. “Also, someone told me to watch it. Hand me the puffed boma-grain.”

“Skyguy, this has 3% on Rotten Joganfruit.”

“Padme said we would like it.” Anakin mumbles around a mouth of boma-grain.

“...I think she may have been joking, Master.”

“She _might_ have been laughing when she said it.”

_14_ _EXT. SLAVER CLEARING - UNSPECIFIED JUNGLE PLANET - MIDDAY_

_MASTER MAGARR is fighting off many SLAVERS, whom he has tracked to a jungle clearing. With a final flourish that might have once resembled a Form VI attack, he takes down the last of them._

_Close up on ANEE’A SUULA, very recently freed Twi’lek slave. She is wearing an artfully torn champagne silk dress that is miraculously free of mud. She speaks in a strong and sultry Ryl accent._

_SUULA_

_Master Jedi, you’ve saved my life!_

_MASTER MAGARR_

_It’s a Jedi’s duty to protect the Republic's citizens._

_MASTER MAGARR (voiceover)_

_She’s beautiful…_

_SUULA_

_What is your name, Master Jedi?_

_MASTER MAGARR_

_Jedi Master Tonk Magarr, my lady. May I know yours?_

_SUULA_

_Anee’a Suula. I… I cannot thank you enough, Master Magarr._

_MASTER MAGARR_

_Please, call me Tonk._

_SUULA_

_I cannot thank you enough, Master Tonk. I want to… I want..._

_SUULA faints dramatically into MASTER MAGARR’S arms, succumbing to the exhaustion of being rescued. MASTER MAGARR removes his cloak and wraps her in it, before picking her back up --_

_\-- WIDE SHOT of MASTER MAGARR as he carries SUULA out of the jungle._

“Where are the rest of the slaves?”

“You only get carried to safety if you’re a beautiful Twi’lek, duh, Master.”

“Well, isn’t that the truth.” Anakin grumbles.

_30_ _INT. COUNCIL CHAMBERS - CORUSCANT - MIDDAY_

_COUNCILLOR EK_

_Master Magarr, your mission is to protect Anee’a Suula from all harm._

_MASTER MAGARR_

_I swear on the Force, Councillors. I will do everything I can to protect her._

_COUNCILLOR DUKUTHB’A_

_In order to carry out this mission, the two of you will pretend to be newly-weds._

_MASTER MAGARR_

_I understand, Master._

_COUNCILLOR EK_

_Do what you must to convince the people around you that you are a couple - but remember, Master Magarr: a Jedi must remain chaste._

_MASTER MAGARR (voiceover)_

_This is going to be the hardest mission of my life._

“I don’t think they did, like, _any_ research—”

“Probably not, no.” Anakin says. He clears his throat. “I’m pretty sure the Jedi Code doesn’t actually say anything about, uh, chastity.”

“I’ve probably seen this same holo plot twenty times.” Ahsoka continues quickly, hoping to distract him and therefore save them both the embarrassment of _another_ horrible talk about safe, sane, consensual, species compatible sex. “And even though I know they’re going to pretend to be fake-married and end up actually in love and maybe even married for real in the end, with the Jedi Council miraculously deciding that Master Tonk can stay married _and_ be a Jedi in blatant violation of the Code, I’m still kinda invested in seeing where this goes.”

“Haha,” Anakin says nervously, decidedly _not_ thinking about the fact that he was starting to understand exactly why his own secret wife had told him to watch this specific holofilm. “Yeah, it’s like. This plot is totally obvious.”

_42_ _INT. VIEWING DECK - STARBIRD CRUISER - SPACE_

_MASTER MAGARR presents SUULA, now dressed in a lace caftan with pearl details, with a drink._

_SUULA_

_Thank you, Tonk. For the drink… and for saving me again from those pirates earlier._

_MASTER MAGARR_

_It is my duty, Anee’a. I am honoured to serve you._

_SUULA_

_Your duty… yes, I suppose that’s why…_

_CLOSE UP on SUULA as she turns towards the viewing window. Her eyes glisten as they reflect the stars. MASTER MAGARR steps closer to join her._

_MASTER MAGARR_

_What’s wrong, Anee’a?_

_SUULA_

_Oh, it’s nothing._

_MASTER MAGARR_

_Please, if I’ve done something wrong—_

_SUULA_

_No! You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m simply being foolish._

_MASTER MAGARR_

_Foolish? Anee’a, I have known you less than a tenday, but I think I know you well enough to say that you are far from foolish. You are a beautiful, kind-hearted, intelligent woman._

_SUULA_

_You say such kind words… and yet I must be a fool, for I have made such a mistake…_

_MASTER MAGARR_

_What mistake?_

_SUULA_

_I have fallen in love… with one who cannot love me back._

It’s unbelievably predictable.

“Oh, no.” Anakin and Ahsoka both whisper anyways, transfixed. Ahsoka blindly reaches for the snacks.

_58_ _INT. HOTEL ROOM - UNSPECIFIED BEACH VACATION PLANET - DUSK_

 _SUULA,_ _wearing only a bedsheet, is clinging to MASTER MAGARR’S hand, which she has pressed to her chest. The sun is beginning to set. This is the last day of their honeymoon before MASTER MAGARR has to return to Coruscant._

_SUULA_

_Do you feel the way my heart is beating? It’s for you_ . _Only for you. It will only ever be you._

_MASTER MAGARR_

_I feel it, darling. I feel it as if it were my own heart. But the Force—_

_SUULA_

Kriff _the Force!_

“What, exactly—” Obi-Wan says. He’s just come back from a council meeting to find his padawan and grandpadawan staring intently at the holoprojector.

“Shh!” He is shushed violently. He stares at the projection a moment longer.

_MASTER MAGARR_

_I… I love the Jedi Order. But I love_ you, _Suula. My choice… I have to make a choice._

_SUULA_

_Tonk..._

“Are you two… crying?”

“ _No!_ ”

* * *

HONESTLY PRETTY UNREALISTIC AND INSULTING: JEDI ORDER CONDEMNS NEW HORROR HOLOPIC

by Dhulo Imtaan, Coruscant Temple District

 _A Creeping Feeling_ , critically acclaimed for mixing classic jumpscares, psychological thriller elements, true unsolved mystery, and hunky actor Maxill Na, is absolutely blowing up the box offices. But not everyone seems to have enjoyed it so much. _A Creeping Feeling_ is being written off by the Jedi Order. We at _Coruscant Daily Rag_ managed to get an _exclusive_ interview with an unnamed Jedi Master on the Order’s thoughts:

“My, you _are_ persistent, aren’t you? I swear, every time I leave the temple, you come and find me. One day I’ll get to eat my noodles in peace. Oh. Yes. Yes, I’ve watched it. You want a quote? Will you k— off after I do? In that case, yes, I have seen _A Creeping Feeling._ What did I think? Honestly, I thought it was pretty unrealistic and somewhat insulting to the Jedi of Anantir Temple. Their whole temple getting eaten by an ancient Sith artefact? The Anantir Temple was surely more cautious than that, handling weird Force artefacts was their whole shtick. Is. _Is_ more cautious than that, you absolutely cannot take that past tense as an insight into the ongoing investigation into the matter. Yes, we are still looking for them. No, I will not comment further. I gave you your quote, now k— off. Kr—ing hells.”

For any readers unfamiliar with the case, the Anantir Temple, featured in _A Creeping Feeling_ , was an auxiliary Temple of the Jedi Order focused largely on Jedi archaeology and history. The Anantir Temple has been missing for two years, and the people of the Republic have gotten no further answers on where it has gone. The four thousand year old Temple vanished off the face of Chomell Minor two years ago, leaving behind a perfectly untouched old-growth forest in its place. No answer has been provided as to its disappearance. Did they get transported into a parallel universe? Did they ever even exist in the first place? Or did they get wiped out entirely by a Sith artefact, as suggested by _A Creeping Feeling_? We, the people of the Republic, still await answers! The Jedi Order has not responded to our request for further comment. Is this because there is truth to the story revealed to us by _A Creeping Feeling_? Journalists and Republic citizens want to know!

“And you’re saying that this is an _actual quote_?” Saesee Tiin asks, holding up the datapad with the offending article.

“Listen,” says Qinlan. “All I wanted was a little bit of peace and quiet with my bowl of noodles. How was I supposed to know she was fishing for comment on an open investigation?”

The Council stares back at him, unimpressed.

* * *

Mace Windu opens the messages waiting on his pad. He has 1256 messages. 931 of those have been flagged as priority items. The first is from an anonymous sender, which is unusual because his mail is usually filtered. _have you seen this_ the subject line mocks.

HOT JEDI COUNCIL GANGBANG FULL 3D HIGH QUAL

the holo thumbnail screams at him, with a FripHub link attached.

“Someone,” Mace says to his Painted Jakku Cactus, “has a deathwish.”

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if the formatting is a little funky! catch me at starsomething on tumblr :]


End file.
